Unintended Misunderstandings
by Madrigal-in-training
Summary: Sirius just doesn't understand why he can't get laid anymore.


**Unintended Misunderstandings**

_**Sirius just doesn't understand why he can't get laid anymore. **_

Alastor Moody, known colloquially as 'Mad-Eye' by his colleagues, focused his spinning eyeball on the door when he caught a laughing Sirius Black and James Potter stumble through the Auror Office. Both of the young Aurors were drunk, which caused Moody to sniff in disapproval. He knew they were both on leave, and James had just received the news that he was about to become a father, but that was no excuse to ignore Constant Vigilance. As they walked by, Alastor began to absent-mindedly listen in.

"...and I told Lily about our little secret," James was saying.

"James! You weren't supposed to tell anyone."

"I know, I know, but what could I do? She was bound to get suspicious if I kept leaving for no good reason."

"Then how did Lils take it?"

"Well, she was annoyed at first, but I think it was just because we left her out of it. You know how curious and adventurous she is."

"Don't have to convince me of that, mate."

"So, I was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

"What type of favor?"

"Well, Lily was curious, and wondered if you would be willing to let her ride you."

Moody paused, his ears perking up.

"Prongs! What type of a question is that?"

"Come on, Padfoot! She already rode me… it's actually kind of fun. You can do it in the woods behind Godric's Hollow."

"I don't know… this was supposed to be between us guys."

"She's my wife! I don't want to leave her out of it. And she's getting a little hormonal now, so this could make her loosen up. _Please _Padfoot?"

"Fine, fine. I promise I'll let Lily ride me." Moody choked.

James didn't notice as he swung his arm over his best friend's shoulder. "Thanks mate. I knew I could count on you."

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"Excuse me, can you tell me where Aurors Potter and Black are?"

"One second, ma'am. Name and reason for meeting first, please."

"Lily Potter. I'm here to drop off their lunches."

"Oh, Mrs. Potter! Of course. They're in the lounge."

"Thank you. Have a nice day."

"You too, Mrs. Potter!"

"Hey Annie, was that James' wife? She's gorgeous."

"Also taken by a rising Auror, Roberts, Probably two Aurors."

"What?"

"She was delivering lunch. And she brought two boxes."

"Damn. Mad-Eye was right."

"Lucky girl. She bagged two hot, wealthy Purebloods."

"I think you mean lucky Potter. Happily married and still gets to keep his boyfriend."

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"Sirius, we want you to be godfather."

"Me? Are you sure? Moony's so much more responsible..."

"We know that you'll be the best choice though."

"If anything happens to us, we want Harry to end up with someone who loves him as much as we do."

"Lils! Don't say things like that."

"It's true, Pads. We need a safety net for Harry, especially in these dark times."

"Then, I'm honored. Can I hold him?"

"Of course. Here, crook your arm like this so you can support his head,"

"Hey there, little Harry. I'm Sirius… your godfather."

"He's so beautiful, Lils. He has your eyes."

"But he's James double in every other way. Oh! And the Black nose…"

"The Black nose?"

"Probably from my Mum, Dorea Potter nee Black."

"Actually, he looks a lot like a Black. The ears, the chin, the crooked smile…"

"That's because you look a lot like a Black, Prongs."

"You and James could pass for brothers."

"I'd prefer that. Prongs is more of a brother to me than Regulus."

"Speaking of the Blacks, maybe we should keep Sirius' position of godfather a secret?"

"What? Why?"

"Bellatrix Lestrange."

"Good point. But then, I definitely plan to be an important part of my godson's life. Won't people wonder why I come over to visit you guys so often?"

"Don't be so paranoid, Pads. No one pays us that much attention."

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"Hey Prongs, I'm going home. You coming?"

"I've still got another report to finish. You go ahead."

"Alright. Don't be too late, though. This is one of _those nights_, and we don't want to start without you."

"I'd never miss that. Can you pick up some of those biscuits Harry likes on the way home?"

"No problem."

"And don't buy him any candy! It'll keep him up all night-"

"-and we want little Prongslet tucked in early, so he can't interrupt our fun. I'm not stupid, Prongs."

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"Hello Prongslet."

"Ma ma!"

"Still stuck on that word, huh? You're such a Mama's boy, Prongslet."

"Ma ma."

"Oh, hello Moony. How's your day been?"

"Great. Ah Prongs, I wanted to ask you something. I've been hearing a few rumors..."

"I know. Isn't it great?"

"Uh, yes?"

"I was a little surprised when he approached me about it, but naturally I said 'yes'. And everyone's being so supportive!"

"Right. Supportive. Yeah."

"Oooh, Lily finished glazing her cookies. Want to distract her so Prongslet and I can steal a few? We'll share the spoils."

"Sure Prongs. And I just want you to know that I'm happy for you. Congratulations."

"Thanks Moony."

"Ma ma?"

"Ha ha, that's right, Prongslet. We're going to go steal some snacks from your mum now! Thanks to Moony. Isn't he great, Prongslet? Despite getting harassed by the Ministry for being a werewolf, he's still supportive of my promotion. Capital guy, your Uncle Moony."

"Moo'ey."

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"Hestia! I was looking all over for you."

"Sirius? What do you want?"

"A date would be great. How about Friday?"

"A date… with me…"

"Yes? A date with you. Maybe more than one."

"Sirius, are you, James, and Lily having a fight?"

"Huh? No, of course not."

"But don't you usually spend Friday nights with them?"

"Well, yeah, but they're really busy with Prongslet these days."

"Oh. I'm sorry, Sirius, but I have to refuse."

"What? Why?"

"I think we both know why you're really asking me out, Sirius. And I refuse to be the 'other woman'."

"Huh?"

"Don't worry. They still love you too!"

"Wait, what?"

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"Edgar can be even more of a child than Susan sometimes. Honestly, he spent all of the weekend flying on his broom!"

"Boys and their toys, Isabel. Boys and their toys. Though I do wish Arthur would leave his Muggle shed every now and then. He's fascinated by this new sparkly plug thing."

"I think you mean spark plug, Molly."

"Yes, that's exactly right. Thank you, dear."

"I'm so glad that Frank's hobby is quiet then. A few hours in his greenhouse over the weekend, and he's content."

"To be honest Alice, I'm glad when I hear noise. When it's too quiet, you never know what's being planned."

"Lily! You have it the worst of all of us. Keeping an eye on James and Sirius cannot be easy."

"It certainly isn't for my twin boys, and Fred and George can't even use magic yet."

""Well I won't say it's easy, but I think I'm getting a handle on it."

A loud crash is heard, and then a sigh.

"And those will be my boys."

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"And you want Sirius to be your Secret Keeper, James?"

"Yes, Headmaster. There's no one that Lily and I trust more."

"I'm afraid that I must caution you against that, my boy. Sirius would make a poor Secret Keeper."

"This isn't because of his surname, is it?"

"Not at all. This is because of your relationship."

"My relationship…?"

"I'm not judging you, James. I'm simply trying to point out that your relationship is very well-known."

"..."

"And Sirius spends a lot of time at Godric's Hollow. This weakens the Fidelius, if the Secret is too close to the Keeper's soul." *****

"I guess that makes sense."

"May I suggest Mr. Pettigrew instead?"

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"No! Voldemort attacked the house!c Prongs! Lily! Prongslet!"

"Hagrid, grab onto him. He's getting hysterical!"

"Let me go, Hagrid! That's my family- Prongslet's crying! Let me go, dammit!"

"Calm down, Sirius. They are not dead."

"What do you mean, Albus?"

"It appears that Voldemort chose to Stun them, Minerva."

"Prongslet!"

"Sirius, be careful with those stairs! The foundation's not solid… damn, hold on. Hagrid, stay here. I'll go up with him."

"Albus, why on Earth would You-Know-Who spare them?"

I suppose only Voldemort would know the answer to that, Minerva. Still I have a few suspicions. Help me wake them up."

"_Enervate_. Suspicions, Albus?"

"Yes. Tell me, who are his top lieutenants?"

"Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy."

"And his biggest financial backers?"

"The House of Malfoy and the House of… Black. You don't think-"

"Walburga will never be fond of her elder son, but she has already lost one child to this senseless war, and has no other heirs. And Bellatrix and Narcissa have always been very loyal to family. That's why Sirius has always been handled with kid-gloves whenever we entered a fight. Voldemort may have extended that protection to his paramours."

"Lily! Prongslet! -Padfoot?"

"James? Oh my god, my baby- Harry!"

"Prongs- Lily- I found him- Prongslet's okay!"

"At this point, I think we can only be grateful that the war is over, and this little family survived."

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Epilogue

"Dammit, Prongs, you won't believe the problems I'm having now!"

"Do they involve purchasing and furnishing a new home, fighting off reporters from the Daily Prophet, telling the Ministry that your son isn't some poster boy for the Light, and searching for Dark Magic specialists to study your son's cursed scar?"

"Um… no?"

"Then I can believe anything. What's pissed you off now?"

"Hestial refused to go out with me!"

"So? She refused to go out with you like four times before."

"Yes, but she's not the only one. Meghan, Anna, Delia, Amelia-"

"-the boss? Padfoot, are you nuts?!"

"-Candice, the other Meghan, Jane, Kate… they've all suddenly become immune to the Black Charm!"

"Padfoot, the Black Charm _doesn't exist_."

"Yes, it does… are you laughing?!"

"Nope. Totally serious here."

"No, I'm Siri- stop grinning James! This is an important subject."

"Your inability to continue as a manwhore is an important subject?"

"Yes! Dammit, why can't I get laid anymore?"

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_**Author's Note: The reason for the Secret getting weaker the closer it is to the Secret Keeper's soul is the most reasonable explanation I could think of for why James and Lily just didn't become their own Secret Keepers, like Bill did for Shell's Cottage. I assume the tradeoff in security for peace of mind was okay for Bill and Fleur, considering they rate pretty lowly in Voldemort's personal hit list.**_


End file.
